Fest entry: Nesting and Other Woes (Severus/Draco, PG-13)

[hp_bito_mod]

Title: Nesting and other Woes
Author/Artist:
Pairing(s): Severus/Draco
Prompt: # O20 by human_veil
Summary: It was just a bit of nesting, until it wasn’t any longer.
Word Count: 3 346
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Contains: (Highlight to view) *angst, fluff, OOC behaviour, slice of life*
Notes: It started out perfectly, and then it took a turn, not sure the prompter is ok with that, so I say I sorry for that turn of events. Also for me Draco here is in his late 30ies which put Severus in his 50ies, young for wizards, but also a bit more settled down than if they were younger.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.



"Well, this certainly is different," Severus said, as he stood in the doorway to the once again redone nursery. It was getting, quite frankly, annoying. Just because money was not an issue, didn't mean he appreciated it being wasted like this, even if it was not his own money.

"Yes, I think so, and it is bright, right? Welcoming?" Draco tuned around, expression worried.

"What was wrong with the green colour scheme?" Maybe if he understood why it was necessary to change the whole damn room again, for the fourth time in about three months and one week of confirmed pregnancy, maybe then it would make a difference, and he would not feel as annoyed.

"Nothing was wrong with it per se... But you know, I don't want our little one to feel pressured to be a Slytherin? Given your fondness for experiments and research and mine for studying the little one might turn out to be a Ravenclaw, and it should know that that is fine, don't you agree?" Draco's eyes were so large and open Severus could easily read the plea to be understood. But he was not able to understand.

"But was that not the reason you did the whole room in orange before?" he asked, though what he really wanted to know was why Draco was thinking about something so far in the future.

"But the orange was a bit too bright; even you remarked on that. And the yellow was no good either. I don't care what other people say, yellow is not a neutral colour, yellow is a careless, indecisive colour. I want our little one to feel cared for," Draco said, and went to place a huge teddy in the crib.

Severus had to admit, that from all the previous designs he had seen, this one looked the most comfortable, but also practical. Sadly, he feared that it too would not last, again. A shame really.

As he walked through the room, he admired the feel of the thick carpet, the different animals playing with each other on one side at the wall, while the other one showed a lovely landscape as the sun travelled over it. It was a room to entertain the child, even if it was unsure with what it would like to entertain itself. He sat down in the rocking chair, and was surprised with how comfortable it was. Truly a marvellous nest for their little one. He smiled at the endearment. It was far too early to talk about the baby's sex or names yet, a small blessing, but currently Severus counted them where he found them.

Draco had been watching him from the corner of his eye, and there was a soft sigh of relief. There had been a fight after Draco had changed the room to green. Most likely he expected something along the same lines happening again.

Severus held out his hand for Draco to take. After a few moments of hesitation he did, and Severus pulled Draco onto his lap.

"Will you not tell me what is truly bothering you?" he asked softly, rocking them back and forth.

"I was just doing some 'nesting', as they call it. It is perfectly normal behaviour for someone in my condition," Draco mumbled. But Severus knew there had to be more. This was odd behaviour for Draco, who usually made a decision and saw it through until the end. Certainly, there have been phases of self-doubt, but this was a new high.

"There is nesting, and then there is worrying pointlessly if our child will feel pressured in twelve years' time, to make it into Slytherin house. I am certain you know what I mean," Severus said, caressing Draco's slowly growing stomach.

"Mhmm."

Severus sighed, but stayed silent. Rushing Draco had never lead anybody to get any result they wanted. Draco tended to do things his own way, and if not placed under time restraints, would make his best effort. Don't tell him that he needs to be done with a potion in three hours, tell him that the potion has to be done to his satisfaction, in a timely fashion. Most likely he will be done in two hours and forty-five minutes, as long as he feels like it. There were days that nothing would get done. Days when everything annoys him, and his own mood gets worse by the hour.

Severus knew this, had known it even before he allowed himself to enter this relationship with Draco. But then, he himself was not without fault, and Draco had to accept his long periods of silence.

Over the years there had been changes as well. He had never considered himself a particularly affectionate person. However Draco stayed calmer, and relaxed far more easily with physical interaction. It had become second nature to caress Draco's hair, lay his hand on Draco's shoulder, or hold him close. And overall he would be lying if he said that it did not improve his own mood as well.

"Have you ever thought about what it would mean to be a parent? Not in the abstract, but in the particular situation?" Draco asked softly, leaning back against Severus.

What an odd way to phrase such a question.

"What particular situation are we talking about?"

"All of them, any of them work. How about the first mistakes with magic? Or what if it plays outside your lab with marbles, and some of them roll into your lab, rolling in though the gap beneath the door? And then you fall, your potion is ruined, some after effects happen, and then what? Will you scream? Shout about how it's an imbecile for playing right outside your door, for being a nuisance all the time?"

Severus was surprised at how much thought Draco obviously has given the situation. How long he must have worried about it.

"Well, depending on if I am hurt or not, I would first try to fix any damage that may occur to me, because it is a necessity, and we both know that spilling unfinished potions or potion ingredients is a serious misconduct in any lab situation. Then I would take a few minutes to calm my frustration, because while your temper might be the quicker one, mine is by far fouler and certainly not to be set loose on a small child. And then I would open the door and if the child is still there and did not run off, well aware that it did something wrong, I would ask it for the reason it played outside the lab, and did not knock. As it is my child, I fully expect it to understand the concept of being able to come to me. While I might not always be able to indulge it, and will have to promise some things will happen at a later date, I could certainly change part of the room for it to play there under supervision until I am done, or find a task able for it to help me. Crushing things has a certain way to engage children in the art of potion making," Severus answered slowly.

Draco stayed quiet for a long time. "This sounds so reasonable and like a really good way to act in such a situation, but I find it hard to believe that you will be able to act in such a way. And not just you, but me as well. If it ever were to mess up the order of my books... now you have a chance to think about it rationally, to claim that you will be able to soothe your temper, but in the situation you will just be angry and frustrated and need to let the frustration out." Draco sighed, before whispering, "You always cut me down, when I messed up a complicated potion, you don't like chaos, and being interrupted annoys you. Well, at least due to your teaching experience, you will be much better at dealing with all the ruckus."

Draco's defeated tone shocked Severus. And yet, he still was unable to fully comprehend what Draco was trying to say.

"What are you telling me?" he asked, hoping that he sounded calm and in charge, and not as shaken as he felt.

Draco took a look around the room, before he got up, and walked to the door. In the doorway he turned around, looking back to Severus still rocking in the chair.

"You loathe your father for what he did to your mother and you, and your mother raised you to be hard and strong. Life made you unforgiving and ruthless. I tried as best as I could to get my father's attention, but it is no secret that he saw me as a failure and disgrace to the family until the end, and my mother, though kind, rarely had time for me. Ever the philanthrope, ever the lady of high society, on rare occasions only a mother, spoiling her little boy rotten, and still then always at a distance as to not get chocolate fingerprints or sprays of colour on her elegant dress. My closest father figure in a way is you, and that is all sort of twisted and fucked, but I can't give you up, I never could, and I never will...

"No matter what you might believe now, our lives, our experiences have left us unskilled to raise a child without damaging it too much, maybe even making it more unfit for life as we both are... I don't think we have a right to keep this child, Severus. "

The last words Severus had to read from Draco's lips rather than hear them. The calm expression with which Draco had spoken was frightening, especially as once he was alone, he felt tears welling up in his eyes, at the thought of having to give up his child.

Looking around the decorated room, seeing the care that Draco clearly had once again put into the room, like he had in all the designs before, made the words even more cutting.

How could Draco believe himself unable to be a loving father for his child, when he so clearly wanted to be that? And how could he have missed this deep rooted fear?

Had he ever really pictured himself as a parent?

No, that thought never even crossed his mind. He couldn't remember when Draco and he had gotten lazy with the contraceptive charms. The first three years, he had brewed a sterilisation potion for himself. But prolonged consumption of the potion came with consequences he would rather not have dealt with. So then they switched to charms, and in the beginning Draco complained about them, said that he could feel them, which Severus still doubted to this day. But then they had used them less and less.

And now Draco was pregnant. At first they were both surprised, but they warmed up to the idea. They were happy about it. Something of Draco and himself, a manifestation of how much they loved each other.

He called the bear to him with a quick movement of his hand, and held it like he would hold a baby. Something small, helpless, utterly dependant on him and Draco to show it the way in life, to care for and help when things got difficult, to love, to entertain and educate. It was a heavy responsibility, taking care of such an innocent life. And one day he would have to tell that child that he makes mistakes as well, that sometimes his judgement is clouded by anger and resentment. Make the person he had guided as best as he could understand that the person it had relied on for their entire life had many flaws.

He certainly could feel the fear of failure now, and he could imagine it clearly, the anger and maybe even hate. Children were prone to hate, but if you show your willingness, they also forgave like adults rarely did. Draco himself had taught Severus this lesson. And Draco could hate with the fire of the sun. But as his hate shined brightly, it also burned down quickly, leaving only embers of hurt behind.

For a long time Severus stayed rocking in the chair, imagining all the different situations with his child, not the way he had before, with how he liked the situations to go, but the way he would least like any situation to end. And it was not pretty, and some scenes, such as being told that he was no longer loved by his child, or that he was never able to understand anything because he was old and would never make such a silly, or wrong decision hurt deeply.
But there were other moments: seeing Draco take their child for its first flight on a broom, playing Exploding Snap with it and manipulating the game so that his child would win ever so often, to simply enjoy the delight of that winning smile, watching it sleep in it's bed, having it crawl into their bed, as a storm rages in the distance, a soft smile on Draco's lips. No, it was not all bad, and it would never be all good either, but they could deal with that. Life had made both of them deal with so many things beyond their breaking point, but neither of them broke. He would say they cracked, but having such melancholic thoughts only served to prove, how much, over the years, Draco had rubbed off on him.

As expected, Draco had fled to the last windowsill in the library. A book open in his lap, his eyes staring at the night, clearly lost in thought, most likely not even seeing the scenery outside.
With soft steps, Severus came closer and sat down on the sill by Draco's feet. He waited until Draco turned towards him before he took one of Draco's hands into his.

"I am sorry for having left you alone with such worries, and never noticing, that it was such a heavy burden," he said gently.

"Your apology is not necessary. I didn't want you to know. I am well aware that it's just a combination of hormones and me being prone to give into drama. I should never have said what I did," Draco replied, turning towards the window again.

"But you meant what you said?"

The hand in his tensed and Draco tried to pull it away, but Severus refused to let it go.

With a deep sigh Draco once again turned towards him. "Yes, or no... maybe. Don't you think that we are lacking?"

"Lacking what?"

"The warmth that people have when they grow up never doubting that their parents loved them, for one."

"Whom are you comparing us to? You said yourself that your parents were unable to show you how much they loved you, how much you meant to them. But yet here you are, a grown man, loving me so much, that sometimes you say hurtful things. And sometimes you are incredibly sweet to me, always trying you best, always moving forward. Even, or maybe it was because of the disadvantageous circumstances, there is a strength to you that is more than just admirable. You are a good person, Draco, and you should not doubt that," Severus said, and breathed a kiss on Draco's hand.

"I was strong because you were there, whenever I needed it: you showed me a productive hobby, you saved me from myself, you accepted my feelings, and you accept me and the way I am," Draco replied.

"And what makes you think I would not do the same thing for our child? And why do you doubt yourself? We will not be perfect parents. Though all my years as a professor, I have come to realise that there are no perfect parents, but then again there are no perfect children either. Whichever way around.

"As you said, this child will mean a disruption to our life, but that might not be so bad. We have enjoyed a comfortable life for over a decade, some excitement and entertainment surely will not hurt us."

A soft smile spread Draco's lips: "Entertainment. You have such a way with words."

Finally, Draco moved away from the wall and leaned into Severus.

"You think we have a chance?" he whispered.

"Yes. I am certain that you will not treat our child the same way, you were treated. The same way that, I have no desire to turn myself into an alcoholic," Severus replied equally quietly, moving his fingers caressingly through Draco's hair.

"Of course we will make mistakes, and we will be hated, and screamed at, and I have no doubt that there will be times that we have to stop each other from making situations worse. But we will also be forgiven, trusted, and loved by our child. You should never forget that."

Draco let his head drop to Severus' lap and hid his face in Severus' clothes, moving his arms around Severus' waist. "I forgot that," were the muffled words that Severus needed a moment or three to decipher.

"You tend to focus on the horrible things first, yes."

The one-eye stare that comment earned him amused him. Draco fully acknowledged that he was a spoiled, prideful brat, he just didn't like other people pointing that out.

"But you are right, you know. I would rather give up the solitude of my study, then close the door on my child. It will make things more difficult for me, but I remember the feeling of being on the other side of that closed door, too afraid to ask to be let in," Draco suddenly said.

They never talked much about their respective childhoods. They had shared the cornerstones and the most important facts, and Severus had witnessed some of the Malfoys parenting. Back then he never paid it much mind, but though their years together, learning each other's habits, idiosyncrasies and ticks, Severus often wondered how it all had seemed like from the little boy's perspective: all the games and toys the wizarding world had to offer, but nobody to play with, and nobody to pay him any attention.

It was also the difference between then and now. Now that Draco had friends, and knew that if he needed or wanted it, he would always get Severus' attention, Draco had calmed down and grew more loveable each day. Now that Draco allowed himself to care.

Yes, they were going to be just fine. Their child would be just fine, because Draco and he would do the utmost to make it so.

"I love you very much," Draco mumbled again. "Just in case I haven't told you so today."

"I think you have, right after we woke up." Severus leaned down and kissed Draco's temple.

"So, you like the nursery?" Draco asked. "You think the child will like it?"

"I like it very much. It is a comfortable, warm room for the first years of our child. And seeing how you are its father, it will soon enough know what style it would like the room to have."

"Once it starts dressing all in black, you won't be able to deny parenthood either, just so we are clear on that front," Draco said, turning so that he could look up at Severus.

Severus snorted. "You always presume that I want to deny things. Am I not indulging you to your heart's content?"

Draco blushed beautifully at Severus' words, and deeper tone. Severus liked to have this effect on his lover, to be able to manipulate the mood just with a slight change in his pitch.

"Well, sometimes you tell me I have to wait for later." Draco tried to act all calm, though he was anything but.

"And did I not make it up to you every single time?" he inquired, caressing Draco's left cheek, bending closer towards him.

"You have," Draco answered, before stealing the kiss he had been angling for all along.